The Bowling Ball – In The Beginning

After a few years had passed after my divorce, I was reflecting on what went wrong and just as importantly, when did it start to go wrong.  And as I was reflecting I realized that it started much earlier than I thought.  Then it hit me, and this crazy title of the book was born.  Imagine a bowling ball sitting on top of a gentle sloping hill.  Now imagine the ball is kind of sticky and things will stick to it as it rolls along.  As we go along in this book, I want you to imagine the bowling ball rolling down this hill in conjunction with where we are in the relationship process.  I know, I know, it sounds a little silly.  But humor me.  The beginning of a relationship is one of the most exciting times of your life.  You are constantly thinking about them.  You walk around constantly smiling and always in a good mood.  You are driving your co-workers crazy with all of these good vibes you are putting out.  You get butterflies in your stomach right before you get ready to see them, or even talk with them on phone.  And the texting.  How could we forget the endless texting and the laughing out loud when you read them.  And let’s not forget the first kiss.  Is there really anything better than that first kiss and you just know that there is something special in the works?  Okay, I may be going a little over the top but I think I’m getting my point across.  These are the beginning steps of a serious relationship and before you know it the word “exclusive” comes up.  You know what that means….the beginning of the end.  No, I’m just kidding.  But you know that was funny.  Things are going great and it’s time for the bowling ball to start moving slowing down the hill.  Now, we are still in the very beginning of this relationship that doesn’t really exist but is needed for the exercise, and so the ball is moving very slowly.  Picture thick maple syrup running slowly over a stack of pancakes.  I think I just made myself hungry.  These are the good times and you probably haven’t even had your first little “disagreement” yet.  But it’s coming.  Sometimes it’s something a small as you forgot to call last night.  Or maybe it was little more intense.  Like you forgetting about dinner plans on Friday night and you are running late.  Forgetting about dinner plans will get you into trouble every time.  Right here is usually where the first mistake is made.  Being late for dinner or forgetting to call one night doesn’t seem like much and either does your halfhearted apology.  But they forgive you anyway.  Like I said before, those little things don’t seem like a big deal at first.  Remember when I told you about the bowling ball being sticky enough to pick things up along the way?  Well, it just picked up its first leaf, or blade of grass, or piece of paper, well, you know what I mean. Just use your imagination.  Over the course of the first year of your relationship you will probably have all kinds of things that come up.  Some will be a little more serious, but for the most part they will be small things.  For example, maybe you are notorious for not unloading the dishwasher like you promised you would.  Or maybe you are always missing the laundry basket.  Or leaving dirty plates in the sink for later…you know….the ones that you never seem to get to.  I know most of these seem like I am blaming the guys for the most part, and you’re mostly correct.  But girls do plenty of things that the bowling ball picks up too.  The point is that we all do stuff that irritates our significant other.  It’s how we handle those issues that determines whether you are going to last or not.  I know this is probably a little off topic, but a lot of these “small things” are there from the beginning and probably aren’t going anywhere.  Girls usually think that you can always change a man for the better but like I have told many friends over the years there are certain things are going to be there forever.  You need to decide before you get married if you can live with those things that bother you or not.  If you can look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you will still love them even if those “small things” don’t change, then you can make it work.  If you honestly have trouble saying that then you need to really think things through before you commit.  What usually happens is after a few years of not being able to “fix” a few of those “small things” they usually become a major problem.  I could probably write an entire book on that topic itself, but I digress.  Which brings us back to the bowling ball.  Over the first year or so, that bowling ball has picked up quite a few leaves and grass as it’s been rolling down the hill.  And now it is time for the most simple of steps to save most relationships.  It’s time to clean the bowling ball!  If you really owned a bowling ball and it was filthy and had all sorts of trash stuck to it, wouldn’t you pick it up and clean it?  Yes, of course you would, well, most of us would.  I know there are some of you who could care less and that is an entirely different topic.  So if we would take the time to clean a stupid bowling ball why would not take the time to take care of our relationship.  The answer is simple.  It’s hard work to take care of a relationship.  You have make time to actually sit down and talk to each other and actually talk about you “feelings”.  Guys love that part of it.  And the craziest part is that you are just getting started.  You haven’t got to the hard part yet.  But don’t worry, we have plenty of time to discuss the hard times.  So, what do I mean when I say clean the bowling ball?  Remember all of those “little” arguments over the past year or so.  You don’t?  Well I guarantee your other half does.  But the real problem is not that they happened or why they happened.  The real problem is that you never talked about those issues when you had the chance.  Remember, it’s much easier to just say you’re sorry and barely meaning it and move on than it is to really sit down and have a meaningful conversation.  Take time once a month to sit down and just talk.  You know what really is funny, is when I talk with people that have done this for the first time and they are so used to their routine and their busy lives that they sit there in an awkward silence with crickets the first few times.  Here is a couple that has been together for a year, five, even over ten years and they can’t even sit down and just talk.  Seriously, sit and think about how crazy that sounds.  But that is how we live.  If you actually take some time and just talk about how things are going for the other person, you might be shocked at what you learn.  And that might be part of the issue.  We get comfortable with how the relationship is and we don’t want it to change.  If we actually start talking and learning about what the other is thinking we may be forced to actually consider his/her feelings. Can you imagine that? That’s just crazy talk!  It may not seem like much, but just talking about how you forgot to run the dishwasher last week or how she leaves her makeup all over the counter in bathroom all of the time or how you can’t seem to aim very well in the bathroom can go a long way in letting those things go.  What’s the saying?  I need to get something off my chest.  Now just because you brought it up doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen again.  In fact, there is high percentage chance that they will do it again.  But you will feel so much better by talking about it that it might not bother you as much.   And because they now know how you really feel about it who knows, they might even apologize for doing it before you even bring it up. Can you imagine the madness!  Okay, now back to reality.  Would you like to take a guess of what the percentage is that actually do this? I know, I don’t know either.  But I can tell you what I do know.  It is the mass majority of couples and I would stake my reputation on it.  Get it…I can do that because this is my first book and I don’t have a reputation yet. And…I was trying to be funny.  I find it’s much easier to be funny in person but I have to try.  Nope, we decide it is easier not to talk and we go about our lives. Meanwhile, all of the things that you would have talked about get buried down deep for another day. Back to the bowling ball.  You decide not to take time to clean it so it just continues to roll along at a leisurely pace with stuff stuck to it.  Hmm, I wonder where this is going?  I think the bowling ball is about to pick up its pace.